Journey

12 1/2 years ago I met a boy at work, we started dating and almost immediately fell in love. 4 1/2 years later we were married (a sunset wedding on the beach), 6 months after that he joined the Air Force, and we moved from Illinois to South Carolina. We always knew we wanted children, and about 6 years ago (2004) he decided he was ready..but I wasn't. At the time, I worried, I knew I wanted a family, but what if I was never ready? I had no doubts that I wanted children with him, I would kill for a miniature version of him..with the same blue eyes :) But just couldn't see myself being a mother..yet.

About 6 months after that, it hit me like a ton of bricks...I was suddenly ready. To sum up the rest..he deployed for 4 months, then we moved to Montana where he went on 2 separate 8 month deployments and a 3 month tdy (temporary duty..away from home). We blamed our inability to conceive a child on his constant absence. We blamed it on the fact that I had one kidney and previous doctors have warned against pregnancy..and that maybe I wasn't meant to bear a child. We blamed it on my body not relaxing when he was home, knowing he was going to leave again..we each did tests..HSG (hysterosalpingogram) being the worst of them all for me..http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysterosalpingogram-21590 - in fact, the HSG is what I use to measure all pain now. We did a year on meds such as clomid & femara. Then the military moved us to South Dakota (current location). I hesitated on scheduling an appointment with a new doctor out of exhaustion..it's tiring to start over with a new doctor and it was tiring to get hopes up month after month on something that should seemingly be so easy. Finally, about 6 months after our move here, I saw a new obgyn. He did a blood test, and on September 15 (2009) his nurse called me with the results.

My anti-mullerian hormone (AMH) levels are low. A hormone I'd never heard of..and pretty much everyone I know has never heard of either. It evidently controls ovary quality, which, in turn, controls egg quality. I asked the nurse what would cause AMH to be so low and she said bad luck. Gee thanks, as if I wasn't already aware of my luck of late. She then referred us to a fertility specialist in Denver. And that was that..I was officially infertile..with a reason. I don't know when the last time I cried so hard. It was a relief to find out the cause but at the same time, awful to know there was a cause..and I was the cause. My husband, who was tdy (temporary duty) to Texas as the time of this news, was not the cause..it was me.