Infertile.

So, in late September (2009), we went to Denver. Fortunately, tri-to-get-care, as my dad adequately calls it, paid for this trip and visit with our official fertility specialist. Denver was the closest one to us in Rapid City. The doctor said that my AMH levels were 0.7, and that for someone my age (30), the levels should be a 2 or 3. Once AMH drops below .5 there is only a 2% chance of fertility, and .1 is menopause. Menopause! At the time this wasn't my thought...but since then I wonder what that means for me, does it mean I will experience menopause way before my time? ugh. So the doctor put us on a regiment of injections..and recommended we pick up a book called 'The Fertility Diet' (http://www.amazon.com/Fertility-Diet-Groundbreaking-Research-Ovulation/dp/0071494790). Injections..for someone with a GIANT fear of needles..I was sentenced to inject myself in the stomach for 8-12 days in a row with a needle. I dreaded the crap out of that! Granted, I'd already come a long way, when I was 20 I found out I was missing my left kidney, so for the past 10 years I've had my blood drawn every 6 months religiously..sometimes more. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Again, fortunately tricare paid for these initial injections called Gonal-f and Ovidrel (http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/resources/gonal-frffpen.jsp & http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/resources/ovidrelpre-filledsyringe.jsp ). They apparently cover the cost of these $5,000 drugs if used with standard baby making..or more romantically known as timed intercourse.

We started our first journey with these new procedures. As soon as I started my period I was to call both my fertility dr and my obgyn for an ultrasound on days 1 or 2 of my cycle..day 3 if it fell on a weekend. So I did just that, it was a Monday, I went to the lab for blood draw, then to the ob for a vaginal (always vaginal) ultrasound. Then again on Wednesday, and again on Friday. This new schedule was exhausting me. On Wednesday (the 2nd trip to the lab and doctor), was the dreaded day we were to start injections. I was terrified..it's unnatural to stick yourself in the stomach with needles! Luckily, I have the best husband in the world..and even though he didn't want to, he didn't think twice about doing the injections for me. In the shipment with the drugs when they arrived were some ice packs, because the meds need to stay refrigerated. I had stuck a few of the ice packs in the freezer, and pulled one out to put on my stomach for slight numbing before doing the gonal-f injection. Ladies..I highly recommend this, save some of the ice packs as you will need them, then hold on your stomach for about 8 minutes...5 is too little and 10 is almost too many..this tip might not be needed so much for a single injection but on the nights you need to do 2 or more, it will certainly help a lot. The injection was not as bad as I thought, not bad at all really. What a relief! Maybe I dreaded it so much that I expected much worse.

After about 10 days of the gonal-f injection, it was time to ovulate. The purpose for the ultrasounds was to monitor my follicles (http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm ). Since my ovaries were a poorer quality I had fewer follicles than other women my age. The doctor monitored the size of the follicles because they need to be just the right size before ovulation..and the ovidrel injection is the one we needed to do to force me to ovulate when they wanted. The day after doing the ovidrel injection, we did Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) (http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/fertilitytreatments/intrauterineinsemination.jsp?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=IUI&utm_campaign=Serono&CID=G2009+IUI+IUI&247SEM ) on this month. This was pretty uncomfortable for the rest of the day..and a little the following day. Yet the doctor recommended we have intercourse around the IUI, later that day and again the next morning. Sure doc, I'm going to be bleeding off and on all day and am super uncomfortable, but yeah..intercourse! And two weeks later..nada...the IUI was unsuccessful for us.

So it was now November, my cycle started and I went into the lab for a blood draw and back to the doctor for an ultrasound..and waited for the call from my fertility doc on drug instructions. My ob mentioned a cyst on one of my ovaries but that's not unusual. The doctor called later in the day and said November was a no go, that I had 4..yes, FOUR, cysts on my left ovary, apparently as a side effect of the gonal-f injections..although, I thought maybe a baby would be a side effect.. So we skipped November.

Journey

12 1/2 years ago I met a boy at work, we started dating and almost immediately fell in love. 4 1/2 years later we were married (a sunset wedding on the beach), 6 months after that he joined the Air Force, and we moved from Illinois to South Carolina. We always knew we wanted children, and about 6 years ago (2004) he decided he was ready..but I wasn't. At the time, I worried, I knew I wanted a family, but what if I was never ready? I had no doubts that I wanted children with him, I would kill for a miniature version of him..with the same blue eyes :) But just couldn't see myself being a mother..yet.

About 6 months after that, it hit me like a ton of bricks...I was suddenly ready. To sum up the rest..he deployed for 4 months, then we moved to Montana where he went on 2 separate 8 month deployments and a 3 month tdy (temporary duty..away from home). We blamed our inability to conceive a child on his constant absence. We blamed it on the fact that I had one kidney and previous doctors have warned against pregnancy..and that maybe I wasn't meant to bear a child. We blamed it on my body not relaxing when he was home, knowing he was going to leave again..we each did tests..HSG (hysterosalpingogram) being the worst of them all for me..http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysterosalpingogram-21590 - in fact, the HSG is what I use to measure all pain now. We did a year on meds such as clomid & femara. Then the military moved us to South Dakota (current location). I hesitated on scheduling an appointment with a new doctor out of exhaustion..it's tiring to start over with a new doctor and it was tiring to get hopes up month after month on something that should seemingly be so easy. Finally, about 6 months after our move here, I saw a new obgyn. He did a blood test, and on September 15 (2009) his nurse called me with the results.

My anti-mullerian hormone (AMH) levels are low. A hormone I'd never heard of..and pretty much everyone I know has never heard of either. It evidently controls ovary quality, which, in turn, controls egg quality. I asked the nurse what would cause AMH to be so low and she said bad luck. Gee thanks, as if I wasn't already aware of my luck of late. She then referred us to a fertility specialist in Denver. And that was that..I was officially infertile..with a reason. I don't know when the last time I cried so hard. It was a relief to find out the cause but at the same time, awful to know there was a cause..and I was the cause. My husband, who was tdy (temporary duty) to Texas as the time of this news, was not the cause..it was me.